Confusion

Well, first of all, maybe I should just relinquish to the fact that I may only get around to posting about once a month. I'll do my best to do at least that! The kids are getting really big and are just a load of fun. I took them skiing last weekend and they had a blast. E is really starting to get to know his snowboard and e is great on her skis. They both take the chairlift to the top of the hill and E comes down with several tumbles while e just makes a b-line straight down doing the snowplow. She's such a peanut, she looks like a little pink blob going down the hill in her snowsuit among all the adult skiers.

Chrismakkah was a lot of fun. E has figured out that there is no Santa (or tooth fairy for that matter) and tells e on a regular basis. Fortunately, she doesn't believe him. e lost her first tooth last week! We were in her room and E came up and started giving her a hard time (a typical brother - he has made it his lifelong mission to constantly annoy her). She was trying to push him away and he ended up giving her a whack in the mouth...knocked the tooth right out (it was already VERY loose). She didn't even realize she lost it until I told her. Fortunately, I had printed out the letter from the tooth fairy that day and brought it home! Phew! But then we couldn't find the tooth! How could I give her a letter from the tooth fairy thanking her for her tooth if there was no tooth!? We could tell her that the tooth fairy found it, but then what if she finds it later? This was a problem! Fortunately, we found the tooth later that evening. Somehow it had fallen down her pants! When she went potty, it fell onto the floor. Another problem averted.

Another monumental event that has happened is that E is finally sleeping in his room in his own bed by himself! All this time, the three of us would lay down on the floor in his room and when the two of them would fall asleep, I'd go to my room. I know, it's a lot of work...but I actually enjoyed the snuggle time with both of them. Last week E said he wanted to sleep in his room by himself and he's been doing it ever since. This is huge! Now e has also been sleeping in HER own bed! I still sleep in the other bed in her room until she falls asleep, but we are finally making great progress in this area. Yay!

Okay, so what am I confused about? In an earlier post I talked about my relationship with the guy I've been seeing since last March. I talked about how we broke up because he said he didn't ever want to get married and then we got back together because I said that we could still have a relationship. Well, I keep rethinking this...Lately, I've been feeling like I have a good friend in him with benefits. He comes over about twice a week and we hang out. He hasn't asked me to go out (just the two of us) in a long time. He also has made no attempt to introduce me to his family. I did meet his daughter but he also has a brother who comes to the area fairly often and a sister who visited just last month. I just think it's kind of strange. I haven't said anything to him, but neither has he.

For Christmas, he gave me some clay (he knows I love to sculpt) and some sculpting tools, a can of fix-a-flat, and a lighter for the grill (I have a million of them). Nothing very personal. Before Christmas he did ask me what I wanted and I told him that I just wanted him to put my windows in. Earlier in the year, I got some beautiful stained glass windows that used to belong to my parents and he has been saying for months that he would put them in and that he was going to work on them over the holidays. I didn't want to sound too selfish, so I just told him that was enough. Okay, don't men know that what we say we want and what we really want are two different things???? He was married for 20 years, I think he must have figured that out. So, anyway, I got what I wanted. He put the windows up, but hasn't finished the finishing part yet. I guess I shouldn't complain. He also gave the kids some coloring markers and some money for them to go shopping with.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm confused about where this is going....about where I want it to go. I thought it might be okay if he never wanted to get married...I still might be okay with that. But I don't think I want someone who is only going to be at my house maybe two nights a week for dinner and hanging out and then leaving when I put the kids to bed. That's not the relationship I'm looking for. I want someone who is going to be around a little more and someone who can afford to do more things with us like join us in our travels (he doesn't make very much money). I really like this guy and I like spending time with him. I like our intimate moments, too, but I'm feeling like I want more than he will probably ever be able to give. And I don't know what to do. Is it okay to just open myself up again to dating others without discussing it with him? Is that cheating? Am I asking too much? I don't want to lose what we have. If I met someone I wanted to get serious with, I would certainly tell him. I'm confused. So there you have it. I'm open to suggestions.